I Have Seen The End And It Is White And Flakey

It happened today. Our first snow of the year. Our closest call yet to an actual freezing temperature. Our first flirtation with The End... Of all things fun in Chicago, at least.

I already mentioned my disdain for winters in general, but Chicago's winters in particular are the very definition of "not fun." I won't cover that again. However, what I will say is that the feeling of impending doom and the feeling of watching said doom actually pend are quite different and certainly unique experiences.

While there is still a small sliver of hope in the impending doom scenario, the actual doom being rendered removes all hope and supplants it with the correct emotions of dread and despair. The sun is gone, the warmth is gone, and all we have left are our family, friends, and pets to keep us going for the next 4-6 months.

I first heard reports of snow flurries this morning after getting to work, but I was easily able to ignore said reports as hogwash because I hadn't seen these flakes. Therefore, they did not exist. End of story.

But as the afternoon drudged on and I was forced to exit my building to find warm food I was also forced to come face to face with the conclusive evidence that winter has arrived: snow was falling from the sky. It landed on my head, my skin, my eyelashes. Big, thick flakes coming down at an utterly unacceptable pace for early November. I was shocked and, indeed, appalled.

I'm afraid that there's nothing to do for it now. We're stuck praying for an end to the protracted frost-bite inducing temperatures from now until some point in the unforeseeable future when Momma Nature decides to wake the hell up and turn on the heater again.

Until then, I don't suspect I'll post anymore self-loathing anti-winter stories. My position is clear and my petition has been received by those who govern weather (although, it's clearly being disregarded). I suppose all I can do now is pretend that snow is pretty or that wearing so many clothes that I now look like I qualify for The Biggest Loser are good things. I hope you "winter people" are happy now!

When They're Gone: A Farewell To Crazies

I'm really excited for the Rapture. All the hustle and bustle of Christian life will soon be quelled by the Almighty exhuming his professed followers from Earth to Heaven, leaving all the rest to suffer through war, famine, fire, brimstone, etc. You know, the usual.

If you're not familiar with the latest internet craze crazy person doomsday sayer, you can check out some information here. For the short version, this guy has calculated that the Rapture will occur this Saturday, May 21. At precisely 6 p.m. Local time. Whether that's affected by daylight savings time is still unclear.

If you're note sure what all this particular Rapture will involve, or which 200 million people will be summoned to His side, the San Francisco Chronicle has provided a handy-dandy FAQ for you.

So why is this happening now? Cliff's notes: because the world was submerged under water and all life eliminated exactly 7000 years ago on May 21. Obviously. Oh, and Gays. You mustn't forget The Gays.

To all my Christian friends, I just want to say farewell and it's been nice knowing you. I've been furiously reading the Left Behind books (you may need to try the link a few times, it's a bit overwhelmed with everyone trying to cheat and read the abbreviated version), watching the movie and playing the video games just so I can understand what will come of me in the months leading up to the October 21 obliteration of the world. I do wish we could get one more Halloween in, but I understand there's a celestial time line that must be adhered to. Also, according to the video game, you will be able to drop literal prayer bombs on my head that strike with the power of a nuclear warhead. Now that's gonna hurt, but I gotta say that's pretty damn awesome, so good on ya for that!

To the rest of us heathens, I'm looking forward to actually getting some meaningful legislation passed in Congress. Once the Rapture occurs, we can pass all those pro-gay bills that supposedly discriminate against Christians. After all, you can't discriminate against a class of people that don't exist anymore, right?